


Happier

by racheltuckerrr



Series: Divide [5]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Best Friend Break Up, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hopeful Ending, Undefined Pre-Canon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-10 14:49:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11693934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/racheltuckerrr/pseuds/racheltuckerrr
Summary: “It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on.” /Nicholas Sparks/





	1. i get along without you very well (of course i do)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GaneWhoo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GaneWhoo/gifts).



> This is for everyone out there who has ever been made to feel like less than you are by a person you showed your whole heart to.
> 
> The first time I sat down to write this fic was a little over four months ago, and I've been quietly adding to it ever since. I hope that by the time you get to the end, it won't feel as unfinished as I still do. This is deeply personal for me, but that doesn't mean it's stricktly autobiographical. Still...be kind. It may come off as a mess at times, and I would be lying if I said that was planned, but then maybe it's more authentic this way. 
> 
> This fic has been therapy, it's a birthday present and it's an attempt to reach out all at once. I hope that if someone out there reads this who is going through the same thing I - and many, many (too many) of us - did, that you feel you are not alone and maybe even find a small amount of comfort in the knowledge. Come find me if you do.
> 
> And, because I'm so extra, [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/racheltuckerrr/playlist/6uQl9lp9hoDuYtQ2F5vnPu)'s a playlist I made that goes with this fic.

_“I get along without you very well, of course I do. Except perhaps in spring, but I should never think of spring for that would surely break my heart in two.”_

* * *

Cat opened her eyes as she breathed out a watery sigh, slowly blinking her eyes open, and glanced at the digital clock on her bedside table.

4:38 AM.

Which barely left her another hour and a half before she had to leave if she wanted some peace and quiet to settle into her new office; not enough to try and go back to sleep again, but just enough to start her day with being grumpy about it. _Great_.

With a frustrated grunt that she would adamantly deny ever belonged to her, Cat swung her legs over the side of her bed and blinked away the last remnants of moisture in her eyes before sitting up straight as she narrowed her eyes at nothing in particular.

It’s been about a month now, not that Cat was counting, but waking up, Lois was still the first thought that flashed through her mind, just briefly, before her brain caught up to her enough to shut it down completely, but just not fast enough.

That familiar uncomfortable feeling still lingered, and Cat knew it would for a good long while. Identifying what it was exactly would have also been futile, not that Cat hadn’t tried many, many times in the past few weeks.

Hurt, betrayal, anger, sadness – it was all wrapped up inside, complete with a neat bow of loneliness and self-pity that Cat had tied around her heart and tended to carefully, as if it was her favourite house pet.

It was…an adjustment. But that didn’t mean she wasn’t fine. She was just…slightly inconvenienced, for the time being that was all. She had to shake her head from time to time to clear it of all the unnecessary voices inside that spewed arias of self-hatred and self-doubt and helped absolutely no one, least of all her.

It was fine, Cat repeated her mantra as the tried, to no avail, to blink the sleep out of her tired eyes.

_Coffee_.

That would help. Nice and black and _bitter_ with no sweetener because that would just be hypocritical at this point. If you know you have a problem, you better own it, Cat had decided a while ago.

She walked over to the small kitchen area in her new, albeit minuscule apartment, trying to catch the single ray of sunshine that managed to find its way inside through that sorry excuse of a hole-sized window. Cat sighed again.

One day.

One day, after she’s truly made it, she would buy the highest building in the National City skyline with a spacious modern style kitchen that she designed herself, tall glass walls surrounding it on all sides and complete with the pièce de résistance, the thing Cat has always, _always_ wanted: a balcony.

Overlooking the city that was now to become her new home, whether she liked it or not. National City is what she’s chosen, and even if the reason behind that had more to do with its lack of proximity to Metropolis, as well as getting one last one over the people who made it so that she just couldn’t stay there anymore, instead of an actual desire to _be_ in this exact place, that didn’t mean she couldn’t one day enjoy the benefits of all that her new surroundings entailed.

One day in the near future, preferably.

Though, if she was being honest, Cat thought, sitting in her windowless office several hours later, a stack of paperwork in front of her now that she was finally done retrieving everyone else’s coffee order, what she really wanted was something to finally call her own.

She thought fleetingly of the shoe-sized hole she was now living in, full of unpacked boxes in each corner and that weird smell in the kitchen that almost made her call the fire department the first time because she thought she’d acidentally set the place on fire on her first night – the one that reminded her of anything but home.

Cat shook her head. She was thinking of a different kind of something.

Something she chose for herself simply because she wanted it. Something she could _enjoy_. Like a nice spot to look out at the sunset from each night. Because in all her twenty-odd years there was not one that she hasn’t found fascinating so far.

Her secret desire to share that wonder with someone that she found maybe even more fascinating would remain just that for a little while longer: secret.

Cat was doing just fine on her own.


	2. the world we knew (it was so simple then)

_“Me and you, thought it would never end. Oh what I wouldn’t do, to get back to, the world we knew.”_

* * *

It didn’t take long for people to start asking her about The Planet. Cat knew it wouldn’t, once she answered the inevitable ‘Where are you from, originally?’ question, nevermind that it was all in her CV, neatly written in cursive that took her years to perfect.

Of course, Cat was prepared for the questions, expected them even, knowing full well that it was her Metropolis qualifications that got her into a relatively well-paying position, even if the stuffy old suits here still abused her office hours for their own selfish purposes, just like in Metropolis.

The illusion of a clean slate or not – old, white men were the same everywhere.

It was one of those things that she had to accept, _for now_ , however unacceptable it seemed to her, knowing that gritting her teeth and bowing her head was the only way for her to get ahead as long as the likes of these men were in charge.

To change that was an item that occupied the very top of Cat’s bucket list. One day.

It was also one of those things that was a lot easier to handle when she had someone to commiserate with, someone who was in her shoes and who _understood_. Someone to laugh it off and mock them all with in her lunch break, the necessary two blocks away.

Cat sighed as she stole away from the buzz of the media center, the thud of the big metal emergency door echoing behind her as she stepped out into the alley, suddenly devoid of hunger and pretty much anything else too.

That someone had been her best friend back at The Planet, and also the very reason why she wasn’t there anymore. She couldn’t even bear to be in the same city as Lois, let alone the same company.

Cat found a lonely bench at the end of a relatively quiet street – even though it was still substantial in size and population, compared to the loudness and constant bustle of Metropolis, National City was pretty tame as far as Cat was concerned.

She sat down, her head in her hands as she thought back to a day, not so long ago, when this would have been unimaginable.

This being…well, the present.

It was cold and unforgiving in a way she never thought anything Lois could do would ever make her feel. But then there was probably a lot more to Lois in that department than Cat ever gave her credit for in the past.

She shivered, despite the warm April air, giving in to the moment for the first time since she upended her life in a scorching need to keep busy and organised everything down to the smallest details to keep herself satisfied with moving things along, and her mind occupied at all times.

But she was _here_ now.

She had a job, an apartment, tiny though it was. Cat didn’t have anything pressing to hide behind anymore. No urgent task to turn to, to chase away the turmoil inside of her.

Nothing with which to protect herself from her own emotions, except for the feeling of her two arms around her middle as she huddled on the bench in the mild spring weather, wondering just what it was that was beginning to blur her vision, only belatedly realizing that she was crying.

Cat couldn’t imagine why, because she was _fine_.

* * *

The two women stumbled out of the main entrance of the The Daily Planet lobby with matching grins on their faces, finally letting it all out as they broke into a heavy fit of laughter as soon as their eyes met.

Needing to get away for a little while, as was their habit when the burning desire to usurp the patriarchy became a little too strong for their job security, Cat and Lois found their way into the small park surrounding the lake where they liked to watch the ducks and make up their life story.

They had a favourite bench there, where they liked to sit and dish about this or that, on good days and bad alike, and they both automatically started walking in that direction by silent agreement, only interrupted by the occasional giggle or a nudge in the other’s direction.

Who knew that playing a prank on a bunch of old, white men with the power to fire them both if only they weren’t so nice to look at, would feel this liberating, this invigorating, this… _good_? But it did.

In fact, Perry White’s disbelieving expression still fresh in Cat’s mind, another wave of that delightful, uncontrollable sound escaped her and she doubled over with the force of it, her hands cushioning her fall as she kept shaking, giggling, her joy only amplified by her body’s unwillingness to cooperate. She reached up to grab the closest arm for support, yanking Lois down into the grass with her in the process, high heels and skirts be damned.

Cat looked at her friend from the corner of her eye, fearing the consequences for only a second before the sounds of laughter erupted again, with only a few snorts thrown in for good measure.

It was the happiest Cat could ever remember being with another person, and secretly she was glad that it was with Lois.

She couldn’t imagine being like this with anyone else, she thought as she looked at her best friend fondly, while Lois was trying her damnedest to find a comfortable spot as she arranged herself in the grass. Their eyes met and the wink Lois through her way made Cat chuckle in spite of herself.

Cat was glad. There were so many ways this day could have gone, and at first, it didn’t seem like it would be quite like this one.

The ogling at the office had reached an uncomfortable level this past week, and Cat was sure that if she had noticed then so did Lois, maybe even more so.

It’s not that Cat wasn’t bothered by it, but she always seemed to be able to be better at shaking these things off after they happened than Lois did, and Cat suspected that had an increasingly lot to do with a certain farmboy turned journalist who just recently joined the company, but it seemed the air was already sizzling between Lois and himself.

At least, from where Cat was standing, which was usually close by, but not too close. She more than understood why Lois might be particularly put out by the sudden raise of inappropriate behaviour directed at them.

So naturally, she planted the bug in her friend’s head about playing a little prank on the men in the office by giving them a taste of their own medicine. Though Cat was thinking more along the lines of a verbal face-off, which was usually her area of expertise, Lois went ahead and took it one step further, which of course, was hers.

It was a harmless thing, really, to order them all flowers and specifically ask for the delivery girls to be of a certain appearance that Lois and Cat knew their colleagues at The Planet would particularly enjoy, only to see the mortification on their faces when said girls read aloud the cards attached to those very special deliveries – Lois and Cat’s thoughtful gifts to them all.

It wasn’t enough to get them fired, no thanks to the hidden identity of the prankers, because if their behaviour before hadn’t, their childish giggles definitely did give the two women away, but it was enough to satisfy the low simmer of irritation that Cat knew was already boiling Lois’ blood and had her aching for sweet revenge. It also helped that Cat got her pound of flesh too, with the cards that she spent days perfecting, to deliver the most perfectly crafted humiliation she could possibly dare to master.

All in all, it was a risk and one that they both knew they would be paying for in the near future, but for the moment, neither women cared.

“Cat?” her best friend’s voice broke through Cat’s lament of their day, and she glanced in her direction curiously from her place in the grass next to Lois. “Hm?”

“I don’t…I don’t think I tell you enough how much you’ve helped me, how much you still do, every single day…just by being here.” Cat was touched, but Lois wasn’t done yet. "Being yourself, in an environment, in a workplace where everyone is always pretending to be someone else, just so they can gain something by it. You’re not like that, you never have been, of course,” Lois smirked, thinking back on their early days and particularly the rather rocky start they got off to when they first met each other, Cat was sure. “But just to have you here with me, it means more to me than you could ever imagine.”

“You’re my person, Cat,” Lois repeated the sentiment that’s passed between them many times before, though never did Cat feel the truth of it quite as strongly as she did that day. “You will _always_ be my person.”

Cat’s heart swelled.

“I should hope so,” she replied, going for nonchalant, but the teary smile gave her away, not that Lois wouldn’t be able to tell anyway, “because you are mine.”

She was probably the only person in Cat’s life who always _could_ tell. It was bordering on extraterrestrial, how well her best friend knew how Cat’s mind worked. But at the same time, she never, ever felt more understood.

“I mean it.”

Cat nodded. She did too.

Before the moment could flicker out of reach, to be brushed off later as just another hard day at the office that needed an outlet, Lois reached over and drew Cat into one of the tightest hugs she’s ever gotten in her life, pressing as close to Cat as she ever had and whispered,

“I love you, Kitty.”


	3. someone new (part one)

_“Don’t take this the wrong way, you knew who I was with every step that I ran to you, only blue or black days, electing strange perfections in any stranger I choose.”_

* * *

Cat was beginning to snap and she knew it. No matter how hard she tried to pretend that she was unaffected and cool as a cucumber, she knew that wasn’t true. It _couldn’t_ be true.

Three months later and she still found herself becoming unfocused at the most inconvenient of times, when thoughts of friendship and betrayal and a myriad of conflicting emotions tried to snatch her away from whatever tedious work she was supposed to be doing. They usually only succeeded for short bursts of time, but for someone with a will like Cat’s, who was used to being in control at all times, even that was unacceptable.

Her work was still immaculate, maybe even more so now that Cat channelled all her spare energy into it, so she wouldn’t use it on more personal matters that she really didn’t want to think about still.

But that also meant an even greater contrast to when she was eventually, inevitably alone with herself at last, and the thoughts came, unbidden, like clockwork every night. And now _day,_ apparently.

Cat desperately needed an outlet, and after spilling hot coffee on her second spare blouse of the day she was finally ready to admit that. Maybe just one drink tonight at this place called Noonan’s that she walked by every day on her way home.

It was far enough from here that she could hopefully avoid bumping into anyone from the office, but close enough to her own apartment that she was confident she could find her way home even if that one drink turned into a predictable three instead.

Which it _would_ , make no mistake.

* * *

Noonan’s was a restaurant, a café and a bar all in one and Cat could appreciate the practicality at least, if not the way the roguish looking Han Solo character at the bar sized her up the moment she stepped foot inside.

He was the only other person in the bar section save for the bartender who was mercifully a woman and Cat exchanged a few polite words with her after finding the barstool farthest from his – partly to send him the message that she clearly wasn’t interested, and partly because she genuinely missed talking to women outside of the workplace, or at all in general.

She smiled as the girl named Megan handed her the first drink of the night, wondering just what prompted this sudden longing inside of her as she sipped it thoughtfully, twirling the olive around her tongue as she did so.

It was true, it _was_ longing…of a sort. As she thought back on the last few months, all Cat remembered was the rush, the flurry of activity that clouded out even the possibility of doing or thinking of anything else.

Which, again, was the point.

But now that it was all over, Cat was ready to admit, if only to herself, that she was getting lonely. Very much so. She longed for a female companion, a friend, someone to be her shoulder to lean on as she made step after step in this crazy journey of life.

It was as cliché as it got, but Cat didn’t even have it in her to complain about that anymore, which in itself was a giant red flag.

But now that she was on a roll, she couldn’t stop herself. It was all true. She missed the easy companionship, the effortless understanding and compassion. She missed having a best friend…and there it was.

She missed Lois.

_God fucking damn it_ , just when I was getting somewhere, she thought. But there was no stopping it now. Cat leaned her head down on the counter in defeat.

Just perfect.

“Bad breakup?”

The question came from somewhere over the crown of her head, but with two glasses already down and her eyes closed, Cat really couldn’t be responsible for her dimension projections.

So she snorted, her face still in her hands as she debated ignoring the question and whomever it belonged to. A moment passed, but no other reply came and Cat lifted her head in the name of curiosity, if nothing else.

The woman she found herself looking at was sitting a respectful one stool away, for which Cat was grateful. But then again, maybe she just wasn’t interested.

She was beautiful enough that she could have her pick of pretty much anyone, that much even Cat could tell from this distance and despite the dim lightning in the bar.

“Something like that.”

The woman lifted her glass at her, gave a tentative smile and introduced herself as Kara.

Cat studied her for a few moments more, her tired gaze slipping over kind-looking features and an abundance of blonde hair tied up in a ponytail at the top of her head that would’ve made her look even younger than Cat suspected she actually was, if not for the sharp cheekbones and a jawline that just wouldn’t quit.

She was beautiful and Cat didn’t mind looking at her one bit. She figured she didn’t have much to lose anymore.

Maybe Kara was like her. Cat entertained the notion of letting this handsome stranger take her into bed, make her forget all about the knife that was still embedded in her back, even now.

Or maybe she just wanted a friend. Cat could relate to that, since she didn’t really have one at the moment.

She narrowed her eyes and when the steady gaze of the woman across from her still remained, Cat allowed a half smile and reached her right hand out in the space between them.

“Hello Kara, I’m Cat.”

The least she could do was try.

* * *

No one was more surprised than Cat, when her tentative attempt at making a new friend turned into a conversation that seemed to stretch on and on and even more surprising was the fact that she didn’t mind.

In fact, that gave Cat an idea.

“What do you think about endings, Kara?”

“Endings…like?”

“An ending to a story. A book, a movie,” Cat said, carefully turning the glass over in her hand before adding, “a _relationship_.”

She peered up at Kara expectantly, curious as to what her answer would be. It wasn’t a test per se, Cat had already decided that she liked the girl, but she was still pleased when she saw that Kara was taking her impetuous question seriously.

“Endings matter,” Kara answered solemnly. “Probably more than they should, because they have the potential to make us see something in a completely different light.”

Cat swallowed. Maybe this was a bad idea. She certainly didn’t expect Kara to hit so close to home on her first try.

“But just because something ends badly, doesn’t mean you have to rewrite everything that’s happened before,” she said, and Cat must’ve imagined the knowing glint in her eye when she did. She must have.

Or maybe not.

Cat downed the rest of her drink in one go. To hell with it.

“That’s just it, Kara,” she said as she looked her companion in the eye, seeing surprisingly clearly, despite all the alcohol already in her system. “I wish I could stop it, but I can’t. Years, and years of memories…and I have no control over how they might change.”

“Tell me,” Kara whispered, leaning in closer.

“You wanna hear it?”

“If you feel like sharing, I’d like to understand.”

“Oh, that I would like to as well, darling,” Cat said, speech beginning to slur. “That I would.”

To be fair, Cat was already on her fourth vodka martini of the night, and she was certainly beginning to feel the effect. _Evidently_.

A few well-timed questions from Kara was all it took, and it was like a dam had broken inside of her, making everything that she had been carefully keeping inside these last few months tumble out into the open.

She was completely slurring her speech by the time she got to the end, and in retrospect it seemed impossible that she’d made any kind of sense, but Kara still sat there, listening intently to everything that desperately wanted to get out of Cat, however jumbled and incoherent it was.

“All those people…who read the last page of a book first, I never understood that,” Cat said when she got to the end of her little tale, frowning when her eyes unfocused for a second, “until now.”

“Oh?” Kara asked with a tilt of her head.

Cat had a fleeting thought that this blonde angel was probably playing her in some way, but she didn’t linger on it too much. All she had to gain by it was Cat’s dirty laundry, and she was planning to throw that out anyway so she figured she really didn’t have anything to lose at this point.

And even if she did, it was probably already too late.

“It’s not about curiosity, it’s…insurance,” Cat confided. She wished she was that foreseeing in her own personal life. A little less trusting, a little more cynical. Well, she definitely got her lesson in that last one, so it was only a matter of time to master it now. “A defence mechanism.”

“Is that –“ Kara started, but Cat barely even heard her.

Tears blurred her vision and her throat felt tight, the ache so painful like she’d just been strangled with barbwire from the inside out.

Which wasn’t exactly far from the truth, and if Cat was a little more coherent she’d probably write that down for future reference.

“If I’d known…” she whispered brokenly instead, choking on her own voice. “I’d never have chosen to read this particular book.”

* * *

Cat woke up with a pounding headache, and a vague memory of feeling like she’s done something stupid. A quick check of her clothes and lack of bed companion assured her she hasn’t been _that_ stupid, but she still couldn’t shake the feeling that something was up.

Well, the hangover part was obvious. Though, interestingly, it wasn’t as bad as Cat thought it would be.

In fact, other than her headache, Cat barely felt anything out of the ordinary, which was weird considering that alcohol never had been kind to her stomach, especially the day after.

She was stumbling out into the kitchen, still rubbing the sleep from her eyes when she was struck with a sudden memory of a pair of azure blue eyes, telling her to drink a glass of water, in this very kitchen.

Maybe an Advil too, Cat couldn’t remember.

But then she found herself face-to-face with a bright yellow post-it on the fridge, written by a hand that definitely wasn’t her own, with a short message and a phone number on it and a smiley face at the end.

And that’s when it all finally started coming back.

_Kara_.


	4. a white blank page (and a swelling rage)

_“But tell me now where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart? Oh, tell me now where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart?”_

* * *

Cat could not believe it. It made no sense to her. The whole situation made no sense, from start to finish. Though, she suspected the latter of the two was still far out of reach.

She wasn’t quite ready to quiet her indignation enough to hear the small, still voice inside her that whispered, ‘Don’t act so surprised, you always knew this was coming.’

Because in a way she did. But then again, how could she have _ever_ known?

It started with a fight.

A stupid, inconsequential one…or at least it should have been. Based on everything that Cat knew about her friendship with Lois so far, it should have been.

But alas, it wasn’t.

* * *

It was a bright Thursday morning in spring, when Perry White asked Cat to come to his office, and she instantly knew that it was either a really bad or a really good thing.

In retrospect, she turned out to be right about that, at least.

“Cat, I won’t beat around the bush here, you know that isn’t my style,” he said as he settled into his big, swirly office chair and lit the end of his pipe, proceeding to do just that. Cat resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “We’re gonna have to let someone go from the company, orders came from up high, it’s not really my call.”

Cat’s heart skipped a beat. It couldn’t be.

“There are only two people under my direct supervision who are quote-unquote moveable at the moment, and it’s you and your little friend, Lane.” He frowned as he took another whiff of his smoke, then let it out slowly. “The thing is, Cat, that I think you could be doing more.”

“I’m s…what?” Cat was dumfounded. “You’re _not_ firing me?”

“Mhm, I was thinking I’d offer you a promotion,” he said, a little too nonchalantly and that’s when Cat realized he had planned this. The _bastard_.

Still, it felt…nice, to be finally recognized. Cat revelled in the feeling for all of five seconds before her brain caught up to her and she realized just what deal she was about to be asked to be a part of.

“But then…Lois?”

“’Fraid so.”

“I see,” Cat said slowly, as if to pretend that she was actually considering it.

“Listen, Cat,” Perry said leaning forward, and the shift in his eyes was something Cat has never seen before. He took off his glasses and Cat caught a glimpse of just how tired he looked. “I know you two are friendly, I understand if you hesitate. But I’m in a tight spot here, and if I have to let one of you go I thought I’d at least make it worthwhile for the other one to stay.”

He shrugged, like that was all there was to it, and Cat suspected to him, that was true.

“You have until Monday morning to tell me what you decide.”

“No need,” Cat said, looking him staright in the eyes. “Because I can tell you right now.”

* * *

“Cat, I…I don’t know how to say this.”

That was new.

Cat turned to her friend and gave her her full attention. She studied the brunette sitting across from her and noted the way her shoulders sat, tense and tight, a telltale sign that Lois was nervous about something.

“Just say it, Lois. We’re on ‘the bench’,” Cat smiled fondly at her best friend, forming air quotes around the words as she said them, before leaning back again to enjoy the way the sun’s rays caressed her cheek. She was actually having a good day, for once.

Lois chuckled, but Cat realized too late that there was no humor in it.

“Perry offered me a job,” she said, and it was even more obvious now, as she twirled the necklace that Cat had given her a long, long time ago that _this_ was the something that was causing her distress.

Cat briefly wondered why on Earth that could be, before she rushed to reassure her friend.

The truth was that she’s been waiting rather impatiently for this moment, having full confidence in what Lois’ answer would be when Perry inevitably asked her the same question he had asked Cat.

It would be a good laugh, if nothing else.

“I know, he offered –“

“Cat, I’m taking it.”

Cat snapped her mouth shut.

What the actual _fuck?_

* * *

Half an hour later and it still didn’t make sense. Nothing was making any sense, and Cat had a sudden urge to go home. Which was ironic, because to her, home had never meant her actual family.

No, home has always been Lois.

“Are you…breaking up with me?” Cat asked with a tearful, hollow laugh that did nothing to diffuse the tension of the situation as the two young women sat on opposite ends of the narrow bench, watching a flock of birds dance over the surface of the crystal blue lake that had become their favourite hiding spot from the rest of the world.

_Their_ bench.

They came here whenever one of them wanted to share something important. Good or bad, it didn’t matter, as long as they dealt with it together. All the tears in the world didn’t matter in the end, because it only made them stronger for it.

It’s always been like that between them. Always.

It wasn’t an easy friendship by any stretch of the imagination, but that made it all the more precious to Cat, because she knew it meant choosing each other above everything else, holding on that much tighter every time the tide came in to try to pull them apart.

It may have been a push-and-pull kind of dynamic, but it was also the _one_ thing in Cat’s life that she never expected she would have to part with. She certainly never expected that one day she would turn around and the tide would turn out to be Lois _herself_.

A few runners were making their laps around the track while others were peacefully walking their dogs, couples were sitting snugly on benches just like the one they were sitting on, happy families obliviously enjoying a free day out in the sun.

Like it was a perfectly normal day. And Cat suspected in many ways, it was.

In every other way, except for this one.

“Kind of,” Lois answered quietly, biting her lip. She gave Cat a second to get over the shock of being right before landing her second punch. “But there is nothing _to_ break up, is there? You know I’m not… _like that_.”

Cat knew Lois wasn’t a practiced fighter, at least not yet, but the pain of that still stung. Spectacularly so.

“I don’t….I’m not either,” she replied angrily, resisting the urge to wipe her eyes or turn her face away.

It was easier to lie when just the thought of _that_ being the reason behind what Lois was doing started a burning sensation behind her closed eyelids, even as she pressed them together as tightly as she could.

Something told Cat she really couldn’t afford to cry now.

Lois sighed and it was heavier than Cat thought she had the right to at the moment. “I think you’re wrong. But it’s really not my place to say.”

“You’re still my _best friend_ , Lois,” Cat all but spat at her. “I wouldn’t exactly call that _nothing_.”

“That’s just it, Cat,” she said as she looked Cat in the eye properly for the first time since they sat down, and Cat didn’t know how to feel at the sight of moisture gathering under her light brown irises as well. “I don’t think I should be anymore.”

“I’m sorry, _what?"_

“Maybe I was. And this doesn’t have to mean all that time was a lie, but…”

And Cat knew the moment the words left the other woman’s lips, that out of all the terrible things she’s heard that day that might turn her life upside down the moment she got off this bench, that that one might be the hardest pill to swallow.

Because no matter what Lois said after this, the memories in Cat’s mind had already started to be altered.

One by one, year by year, the most precious moments of her life, snatched away by an unidentifiable dark force that she had no power over. It was like rewriting time itself.

“I know you think we make each other happy, and for a long time I would’ve agreed with you, but it’s just not true anymore. This is not healthy, Cat. This job is not what you need right now, even I can see that. Perry has already promised to arrange something for you in Opal City, I promise you’ll love it there. I’m doing you a favour, just take it. You’ll be happier.”

Cat couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

It seemed like her own life was already laid out before her eyes, and Lois Lane took it upon herself to direct it, if only to cover up the fact that she just wanted to remove herself from the narrative.

“ _I’ll_ be happier? Excuse me, Lois, but I think you mean _your life_ will be _easier_. Let’s not kid ourselves.”

Which is exactly what Cat should’ve said, had she thought of it in the moment. But sadly, she’s never been good at this kind of confrontation, so she didn’t.

Despite her reputation as the queen of comebacks, it never quite seemed to work wherever her own heart was concerned. Emotional pain always paralyzed her at first, and she was only able to move again when it was already too late.

So instead, she sat there, staring straight ahead while she listened to the one person she’s always trusted above anyone else destroy every shred of her remaining hope in humanity.

“You know, I’ve always looked up to you because of your talents and the way you make then into something beautiful,” Lois said and Cat frowned at the ill-timed compliment. “I envy you, because of that.” _Ah_. “But for all your incredible gifts, you are so stuck in some aspects of your life, and I just can’t help you anymore. I’ve already solved the kind of problems you’re just starting to face, and it’s…I hate to say this, but it’s holding me back.”

_You’re_ holding me back.

Cat wasn’t sure if she actually said that part out loud, but it almost didn’t even matter. The effect was just as strong, the pain just as sharp, like the edge of a knife that’s never been used before, waiting solely for this one purpose. This one cut.

But that wasn’t even the worst of it.

Because pain…pain Cat knew. Pain she could handle. God only knew she’d already had more than her fair share of it, pain was nothing new to her. It wasn’t exciting in any way; it was old news.

But the swirling, angry, desperate, miserable red storm of emotion that started boiling in the very pit her stomach at Lois’ words… _that_ she had never felt before.

That she had no idea how to deal with.

She could feel it, physically clawing its way up her closed-up throat, fighting its way to the surface, not caring if it choked her in the process, and at that moment she almost didn’t mind. Because Cat’s never been more humiliated in her entire life.

Not even when her mother made it clear, time and again, how little she thought of her achievements. Not even when the first boy she thought she liked chose her best friend instead. The very same who was now kicking her out of her life and throwing her away like a used rug.

There really wasn’t anything quite like that feeling, Cat could at least appreciate that. Well, maybe not at the moment.

“This… _thing_ that we have, I don’t even know if I can call it a friendship anymore. It’s, um…it’s been hard on me for a while,” Lois swallowed, and through the haze of the shock that’s settled over her in the past ten minutes, Cat was pretty sure she saw tears glisten in her eyes too. Somehow she couldn’t find it in herself to feel sympathy. “I never said anything, because being there for you was more important to me at the time. But now…it’s holding me back from what I know I could do.”

And there it was, finally. A sliver of truth.

“I know how hard it is for you with a mother like that and believe me, I understand that you need someone to cling to. But I can’t be that person for you, and I think you know that.”

Did she? All Cat knew at the moment was that she couldn’t move. She couldn’t breathe. Part of her wondered if this was really happening at all.

But then Lois had the audacity to lean over and place a kiss on her cheek, and the burning sensation certainly didn’t feel like something out of a dream, and Cat recoiled, like someone had just slapped her in the face.

“I deserved that,” Lois smiled sadly before standing up. “Take care, Cat.”

Then, after a moment she seemed to change her mind about something and turned back to look at Cat one last time over her shoulder, as if to offer her one last bone as she said, “Find your peace.”

Cat still didn’t move.

She didn’t know what time it was, she didn’t think time was even passing still, all she did was sit there, motionless on that damn bench.

She just couldn’t believe it.

_Find your peace._

Bitch.


	5. someone new (part two)

_“There’s an art to life’s distractions, to somehow escape the burning weight, the art of scraping through. Some like to imagine the dark caress of someone else, I guess any thrill will do.”_

* * *

Cat’s phone pinged with a text and she smiled when she saw who it was from.

_“Can I come over tonight? I’ll bring your favourite from Noonan’s. K”_

It was becoming something of habit for them. Kara would come over after work and they would cook dinner together, or they’d go to the bar where they first met for a few drinks and then take a walk along the river in the fading city lights before ending up at Cat’s place just the same, like it was pre-ordained.

It was only a matter of time that Kara’s things would start showing up at her place, and Cat was surprised to discover that she didn’t even mind. She didn’t really have time to miss this kind of partnership back in Metropolis, because her life there simply couldn’t allow for her to have it at the time. And certainly not like this.

Sure, she’d had the occasional fling, and there were a few “serious” boyfriends there too, before she realized that life had better things to offer. Now though, as she typed a quick reply to Kara in the affirmative, Cat had to admit she rather liked the company.

On the days when Kara had to stay a little later at the gallery where she worked, or when Cat herself was swamped at the office she always felt a little pang of disappointment at not seeing the other woman, even if she knew it was only a matter of time.

The truth was that Kara took care of her, without needing to be asked, at a time when Cat needed it the most. She needed it desperately, and that has somehow transformed into needing Kara, but it happened so smoothly that by the time Cat realized it was happening, she was already certain that she wouldn’t want it any other way.

Because falling in love with Kara was a revelation. It was like that one sudden insistent ray of sunshine that first breaks through the fog after a devastating storm, and it caught Cat by surprise in its kindness, in how nice it felt. How _right_.

There were days when Kara made her forget. Forget that her life has ever been any different, forget Metropolis, forget Lois, forget everything. Those were the days, Cat later realized, when Kara wanted to forget too.

What it was for her that she’d rather forget, Cat didn’t know yet, but it was clear that Kara also knew a thing or two about loss and pain. Maybe not clear in a way that would be obvious to just about anyone, but then again, Cat wasn’t _just_ anyone. It takes one to know one, as they say.

All in all, Cat was content. She was happy too, from time to time, it wasn’t that hard to be with Kara around. But she wasn’t at peace. She missed the calm, the ability to just…get quiet, whenever she needed it. She longed for that place of calm, not outside in the world but inside her own soul, that place that used to be her spot, her hideaway.

It’s easy to miss while you still have it, but now that she didn’t anymore, Cat only felt that wistful longing for precious things since past.

Her heart was still heavy with loss, her mind occupied with unresolved thoughts and tainted memories. It just wasn’t a nice place to be, her head these days, and she wished there was an easy fix for that, but there wasn’t.

She knew Kara tried sometimes, to make her talk about it and share her struggle so that she might help her in some way, but she also noticed that Kara respected Cat’s private world and process way too much to do it too often, for which Cat was infinitely grateful.

Still, it was nice to talk about it sometimes, to someone who understood and who Cat knew wouldn’t judge. Just the other day, she was lying in bed with Kara in the afternoon, the both of them too tired to do anything else but look at each other and enjoy the connection through their proximity.

Cat had fallen asleep for a few minutes like that, with Kara’s hands running through her hair. It was heaven. When she opened her eyes sleepily, she found an ocean of curious blue looking back at her.

“What is it, darling?” Cat reached a hand out to touch her cheek when she sensed Kara’s hesitation in asking whatever question was on her mind.

“Do you um…do you dream about her?”

“Lois?” Cat saw no sense in pretending she didn’t know exactly to whom Kara was referring. “No.”

“Really? Never?” Kara seemed surprised at this and it made Cat frown, so she thought about it a little more.

“I…really. I think it’s like this,” she said, propping herself up on her elbows while she spoke. “I think people mostly dream about two things. The things that they really, really want, more than anything. And the things that they feel guilty about. And for me, Lois is neither.” Cat hummed, satisfied with her reply. “So no, I don’t have dreams. Well…” she trailed off, suddenly remembering one particular dream.

“Yes?”

“I did have one. I…don’t remember much of the dream itself, but what I do remember is…I woke up and I…forgave her.”

“Oh?”

Cat seemed to be lost in her own private world there for a moment, but then she suddenly shook her head and smiled at Kara in that way she did whenever what was on her mind was too sad for anything _but_ a smile.

“Yes. And then I opened my notebook and wrote down a single sentence.”

“What was that?” Kara asked, and it seemed she was almost afraid of the answer.

“ _Don’t be stupid_ ,” Cat whispered.

They didn’t talk much more about anything serious that day, mostly letting the companiable silence between them speak for itself, until it was time for Kara to leave, hours laters.

She drew Cat in for a tender kiss, sweeping a lock of hair out of her eyes and Cat could see that she was steeling herself to ask something from her again.

“Just say it, Kara,” she said with a slow smile. “Don’t be afraid of me.”

Kara smiled back, and it was less sweet this time. “I’m not.”

“Good,” was all Cat said, leaning close once again to let their tongues say goodbye. She drew back then, expectantly, giving Kara all the opening she needed.

“If Lois was here right now, what would you say to her?”

Cat felt her shoulders sag. This question seemed important somehow, but she wasn’t sure she felt well-equipped to aswer it.

So she did what she always did; she went for the joke and hoped it would be enough.

“I’d tell her to get the hell out of my apartment.”

“Cat,” Kara sighed. No such luck. Cat rolled her eyes and let out a huff that was mostly smoke but no fire.

“Fine,” she drawled and Kara gave her waist a squeeze in response.

If this subtle nudging of Kara’s wasn’t so endearing and ultimately well-intended that Cat had no other choice but to indulge it, she would seriously start to wonder if she was losing her edge.

“If Lois was here…” she wondered, thinking out loud. It was a good question. “I guess I would…”

She realized she didn’t actually know. She would what?

Punch her? Probably.

Yell at her? That seemed a little excessive after the punching; Cat’s been practising her right hook rather lot lately, it would be one hell of a swing.

So what then? Tell her she had made a mistake all those months ago? That what she did wasn’t necessary as much as it was cruel? Eh. That could come off a little pathetic if not presented right, even if Cat knew it was the truth.

But then maybe not. After all, Cat was alright. She was still healing, but she was moving on. She did _move_. That, she knew, had been the right thing to do. National City was good for her. This life was good for her.

And now she had Kara…who was still waiting for an answer patiently by Cat’s side – an answer that Cat couldn’t give her.

“This is sil –“ Cat bit her lip at the last possible second, amending her reply. “I’m not sure.”

Kara smiled at the slip, but otherwise let it slide.

“That’s okay, Cat. Just promise me you’ll think about it some more.”

Cat looked her in the eye, allowing herself a quiet moment in all of this, to just _be_. She gave Kara a close lipped smile, then nodded.

“I promise,” she said, leaning over to seal it with a kiss.


	6. bad blood

" _Did you have to do this? I was thinking that you could be trusted. Did you have to ruin what was shiny? Now it’s all rusted.”_

* * *

All right, you can do this, Cat told herself. Just…focus. Stay in the moment. Cat closed her eyes and took a deep, fortifying breath. She could totally do this.

She lifted the phone to her ear and pressed the button. “Hello?”

“Cat? It’s Lois. I think we should talk.”

* * *

The restaurant wasn’t as fancy as Cat thought it would be, and she quickly found her way to the table set for two, easily recognizing the brunette sitting there, even from afar, after all this time.

Lois has changed her hair, and her clothing was definitely more expensive, but otherwise the years seemed to have not touched her at all, Cat noted with more than a little jealousy. She straightened her spine and lifted her head as she walked up to the table, then sat down quickly and gracefully, without so much as giving Lois a chance to stand up for a greeting.

“Cat,” she said with apparent relief in her voice. “I’m glad you came.”

“Well, it was a thin margin, let me assure you,” Cat said dryly. “So I’d advise you to get to it.”

Lois cleared her throat and adjusted her napkin, and Cat realized that she was nervous. It was such a poignant moment of déjà vu that Cat wasn’t sure she could take it for a second longer.

Thankfully, that’s when Lois found her muse at last.

“I think…and I don’t say this often, not many people know that better than you do, Cat, but…I think, I…might have been…. _wrong_ , all those years ago. When we sat at the lake and I told you that, um…do you remember that day? When I told you –“

“Of course,” Cat managed to say through gritted teeth, unable to take any more of this rabmling, “I _remember_.”

In fact, Cat was sure she would never forget. Could never forget.

And though it did spark her curiosity somewhat, to have this possibility presented to her to find out what delusional fantasy Lois’ mind has conjured up over the years, of that very same day that would make her say these things to Cat today, with that look in her eyes no less, it just wasn’t enough.

By all accounts, Cat was a very curious woman, one could say even to a level that was approaching dangerous, though she would simply just tell them with a nonchalant shrug that it came with the territory and leave it at that.

In any case, today, even _her_ curiosity wasn’t enough.

“But let me stop you right there, Lois. Because this is not _that_ kind of a dinner.”

“I…what?”

“I didn’t come here to placate you or listen to whatever it is you think you want to tell me. The truth is,” Cat smirked privately to herself before looking back up and focusing on the woman before her, “the truth is I almost didn’t come here at all.”

“Then why did you?” Lois asked, sounding beyond tired as she finally looked Cat in the eye for the first time. And there, in her eyes, Cat finally saw the mark left by years past. Just the tiniest crinkle on the outside, but her gaze was heavy with life, and Cat was almost completely certain, regret.

Lois Lane wasn’t untouchable after all, despite how well she was hiding it.

“I was…reminded by someone important that I deserve to say my piece too. That I deserve a chance to tell my side. When…you decided to end things,” she said with nothing but a vague hand gesture to indicate a decade of her life that Cat once thought to be everything, “I took it all in stride, as much as anyone could without losing it completely, because I didn’t want to give you the satisfaction. Because that was my priority, _you_ were my priority, even then. How you would take it, what you might think of me. Back then, everything I did was about you, not me. And when you decided you didn’t want me anymore…I took that too. But I didn’t really _say_ anything.”

Lois opened her mouth to protest, but Cat shut her up with a single finger raised in the air between them; a warning if there ever was one, but she didn’t stop speaking for even a moment.

“Which, in retrospect, I expect you felt a certain amount of relief about, and understandably so,” Cat smiled tightly, without a hint of fondness in her expression. “But that stops today. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to rub it in. But _you’_ re the one who called _me_. Out of the fucking blue, Lois. I honestly have no idea what you were expecting to get out of this, but you owe it to me to listen to what I have to say, now that I’m here.”

And she did listen.

For once in her life, Lois Lane managed to stay silent, not interrupting Cat once as she finally said all the things she never thought she’d get the chance to say to her. The unfiltered, hard truth, as they used to say.

It wasn’t meant to wound, only clarify, but then…two things can be true. Cat still refused to feel guilty about it though, because it was only fair.

“Learning…not to _care_ about you…was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done,” she told Lois, keeping her face carefully blank all the while. The poker face was key. “But I did it. I did it for me, just like you did what you did for yourself. And now we both have to live with the consequences.”

She expected at least a little fight, some of that old Lane fierceness to battle with, but it never came.

“You always forgave too easily, I guess…I didn’t think…that this time would be any different.”

“I actually forgave you on the spot,” Cat said, taking a sip of the drink that just arrived for her. “Okay maybe not…on the _spot_ , but pretty soon after the fact, once I got over the initial shock. I didn’t get to where I am today by holding grudges, simply because that would occupy way too much of my time and energy that is frankly better spent elsewhere.”

“You…I…really?”

“Close your mouth Lois, you look like a fish. I forgave you, if that’s what you wanted to hear. But letting you back into my life…not a chance, Lane. Today, I place my self-value way above your momentary discomfort or temporary emotional hurt – even if it wasn’t always like that.” She sighed, allowing herself a moment to _feel_ the words, instead of just say them, like Kara had told her to. “So, any hopes you’re holding out that there is anything further here, beyond this dinner…let them go.”

“I guess I didn’t realize how much…has changed,” Lois said when she collected herself, and the errant tear that escaped the corner of her eye before she could will it back in didn’t give Cat any of the anticipated sense of satisfaction at all.

It just made her want to go home. To Kara, because she _was_ home to Cat.

Looking at the woman now, who was once her most trusted confidant and ally – the only family Cat thought she’d ever need – and who betrayed her in a way that no one else could have…to see her now, sitting there, so clearly affected by her little speech even after all this time, Cat took a moment to appreciate the full circleness of it all.

It wasn’t quite gratification, no. It would have been way too late for that now. Cat’s moved on long ago. It took her enough time, maybe even more than she would like to admit, but she was well and truly done. If it wasn’t for Kara, she wouldn’t even have entertained the notion of coming here tonight.

But as was her habit, Kara made her see things in a completely different light, always trying to the bitter end to inject every situation with hope and the possibility for _good_. However, there was only so much, even she could do.

“Things have changed, yes,” Cat broke the silence after taking another sip of her wine. “ _I_ haven’t changed all that much, though,” she added as she lifted her napkin to her mouth, mentally gearing up for a conclusion. “Not really.”

She leaned back, crossing her arms across her chest before changing her mind and uncrossing them again, putting them on the table in front of her as she looked Lois straight in the eye.

If she was going to do this, she would do it properly. Because this moment, right here, was why Kara wanted her to come here, Cat finally realized.

Not out of some misguided hope that the three of them might one day be able to sit at a dinner table and clink their glasses together, playing happy family as if Lois hadn’t fucking tossed her out and away like a used rug when Cat least expected it – even if it was decades ago, and well in the past now. Or so Cat had thought.

The thought did cross her mind that that was her intention, suspecting that infuriatingly authentic, earnest do-good streak of hers to be making an appearance once again, but she realized she hadn’t given Kara enough credit. Because clearly, even Kara wasn’t naïve enough to expect this night to end any differently than it was going to, and soon.

No, she just wanted Cat to come here…for herself. To find her peace by saying what needed to be said, even if that meant telling the joke way after the punchline had already been told. There was no real audience here anyway.

That knowledge finally gave Cat the push she needed to say what she really came here to say.

“Look, Lois…I have a multi-billion-dollar empire, a penthouse and a beach house and several shelves stacked full of the evidence of my career achievements, all of which is making you green with envy I’m sure, but believe me when I say it matters very little in the grand scheme of things,” she said quietly, not in an overeager attempt to seem modest, but because she did mean every word. “Because who I _am_ hasn’t changed, Lois.”

And that, finally, got the other woman’s attention, and Cat took the opportunity as soon as it was presented.

“I’m still as stubborn and hard to deal with as I ever was, I still lash out when I’m hurt and I’m still a better writer than you could ever hope to be,” Lois smirked bitterly at the jab Cat couldn’t help let slip, but neither of them acknowledged it any further. It wasn’t inaccurate and they both knew it.

But it was also irrelevant and Cat cursed her immature side for digressing when she really wasn’t here to poke fun. She sighed and let her shoulders sag as she opened herself up to the woman opposite her for the very last time.

“I am still…more giving than you probably think I should be,” she started, resisting the urge to look away when Lois’s eyes went almost comically wide with surprise, “but it doesn’t make me feel anything anymore to know that, because you were so wrong. _So_ wrong…and because I got more out of that supposed weakness than I ever thought possible.”

She did look down for a moment after admitting that, but only because Lois had no claims to, nor any business seeing the fondness that was undoubtedly showing on Cat’s face at that moment.

She schooled her features before looking up again, knowing she was almost done, in every sense of the word.

“And I will keep giving…to those who will not only take it, but also cherish it the way it deserves to be cherished, until the day I die, because…that is the point of _everything_ ,” Cat emphasized, eyes flashing in the artificial light of the restaurant. “And if you don’t see that…then I feel sorry for you. Because for however _evolved_ you think you are…you will never experience true happiness – until you understand that.”

Cat waited a little to see if an answer was coming, but Lois stayed silent. Her face was also a careful mask of indifference, but her voice was weak and quiet when she finally spoke. “Have I really hurt you that much?”

Cat could have laughed, except there was nothing funny about the situation at all. She thought about getting up from the table and leaving Lois behind, without a word, but changed her mind at the last second. All or nothing, she decided.

“Listen to me, Lois, because I’m only gonna say this once,” Cat said, swallowing down the waterfall of emotion in her throat. “You’ve made me feel something that I’ve never felt about myself before. You made me feel…like _nothing_. Like I’m disposable. Unnecessary. And I know…I know those things aren’t true. I know you probably didn’t mean it like that yourself.”

Well, she didn’t, actually. But even after everything that happened, Cat was still willing to give Lois the benefit of the doubt. It was high time to stop doing that.

“But I look at your pretty face, even now…and that’s all I see.” She took a final breath and delivered her last shot. “So if you’ve ever loved me, Lois, in any way…do me a favour, for old time’s sake,” Cat smiled a watery smile, “and allow me…to live the rest of my life so that I never have to feel that way, ever again.”

Cat rose from the table, discreetly looking away from the stunned woman as she excused herself to the bathroom, quietly giving both of them an out that Cat suspected Lois would take without a second thought.

Still, the relief blew out of her like a breeze when she re-entered the spacious hall and her suspicion was confirmed.

She had taken her time in front of the mirror, fixing her hair when it didn’t need fixing, fiddling with her necklace as she looked at her own reflection in the mirror, carefully studying it for any trace of regret. She didn’t find any.

In fact, Cat was almost taken aback at how unfamiliar it felt, even to herself, as an uncharacteristically passive face stared back at her, her makeup as immaculate as it ever was and not a hint of moisture in her eyes.

She really didn’t have anything left _to_ give when it came to Lois.

“Wow,” Kara said then, finally interrupting the scene that Cat had so carefully drawn out, breaking the moment at once.

It was like returning from a dream, in a way, only the details were so much stronger in Cat’s intentional narrative, that the meticulous setting of the scene still lingered in both women’s minds, even after Kara broke the spell that had previously fallen over them.

Cat didn’t mind, she was more or less done anyway. She was actually more impressed by how long Kara had lasted in her role of silent spectator, listening intently without so much as a word thrown in.

It was late, and they’ve both already had a drink or two, before deciding to go for a walk out on the town. Eventually, they ended up sitting on a bench, of all places, overlooking the valley from the hilltop, with nothing but the streetlamps and the moonlight for company.

The view wasn’t too shabby either. National City truly was beautiful at night and Cat was beginning to see this place as more than just a stepping stone to something greater.

Maybe she _could_ live here.

“In what way ‘wow’?”

“I’m just…you really thought this through,” Kara explained, with something like awe in her voice.

“Yes,” Cat nodded. “I did.”

“Thank you, for taking my advice about it,” Kara added with a smile. She seemed really happy about that part. “Did it help do you think?”

Cat thought about it for a few seconds, then nodded again.

“Obviously, it’s not as satisfying as the real thing would be, but…I think it’s better this way. That and…I certainly don’t see Lois reaching out to me like that anytime soon.”

“You really are angry, aren’t you?” Kara asked, after a moment of silence.

Cat frowned a little at that. “I think that’s an appropriate state to be, isn’t it?”

“No, of course it is. That’s not…you just never really talked about it before. You know, like _this_. I knew it was there, that it must be, but…I had no idea.”

Cat met her eyes in acknowledgement, but didn’t reply right away. She looked out at the orange skyline strecthing out in front of her instead, trying to find some comfort in its quiet magnitude.

She smiled when she realized they’d just witnessed a sunset.

“Well, now you do.”

Kara didn’t have a response to that and they settled into silence for a while, until she suddenly let out a loud, bubbly chuckle, seemingly out of nowhere.

Cat turned to her with a curious half smile. “What?”

“Nothing, it’s just…a penthouse _and_ a beach house, really Cat? Isn’t that a little excessive?”

“Oh, shut up.”


	7. bitter water

_“Even now you mark my steps, lovely bitter water. All the days of our delights are poison in my veins. I know I shouldn’t love you, I know.”_

* * *

Cat felt a tear slip out the corner of her eye as she heard her own laughter echo in the small space between their chests before Kara twirled her again, and, seeing the effect it had on her, again and then again. It was far from how she envisoned the night would turn out to be, but she had absolutely no grounds for complaint whatsoever.

Cat had wanted them to go out on the town somewhere, but then she remembered her most recent shoe purchase, and how her monthly salary barely covered even this little flat as it was…so they stayed in.

But that didn’t mean they couldn’t have some fun.

Kara found a radio station that played all the old classics that they’ve both grown up listening to, then one thing led to another and they ended up dancing the night away, while pretending to be in a fancy ballroom as the iconic voice of Barbra Streisand herself floated across Cat’s kitchen in all her graceful glory.

Cat threw her head back as she laughed, giving herself over to the moment completely; something she hadn’t allowed herself to do in what felt like a really, really long time. She was barefoot, dancing on the kitchen tiles, _like some gypsy_ , her mother would say, and Cat was glad she was nowhere around to ruin her good time.

In fact, she was with the only person she could ever imagine being herself with, to this degree. Kara was warm and soft under her hands, but the arms holding Cat were strong and sure and Cat had never felt this safe and cared for in her entire life.

But it was already well into the night and Cat could feel the exhaustion settle deep in her bones, no matter how much she was enjoying herself. She excused herself to go to the bathroom and went about her nightly routine while Kara stayed in the kitchen to clean up the remnants of their night from the sink.

By the time Cat came back, she was so wrapped up in her task that she begun to sing along to the radio, softly, but with feeling, and it was enough to stop Cat dead in her tracks as the first tidbits of the beautiful melody hit her ears.

_“…misty water-colored memories…of the way we were…”_

She knew the song, of course, everyone knew this song. Cat herself had heard it a thousand times before.

But never quite like this.

_“…can it be that it was all so simple then…or has time rewritten every li-ine?”_

Cat’s breath hitched as the meaning of the words hit her, hard.

_Lois_.

It was unexpected, because she’d had similar moments of nostalgia before, and she could always write them off fairly easily, focus on the next thing instead.

Acknowledge, tuck away, discard. It was a good system.

It wasn’t like in the movies that she’d just hear a certain quote or see an old photograph and _boom!_ there go the waterworks. Real life was much more nuanced than that and Cat knew that very well. Perry White always said she’d make a fine writer one day, and Cat firmly believed that that was the reason why. Well, one of the reasons anyway.

So no, she did not expect a simple succesion of a few words after another in an old song to have this much effect on her after all this time. She was sure, that any other day, they wouldn’t have.

But her soul was already wide open tonight. First of all, because Cat was finally at that point in her relationship with Kara where she didn’t want to hold back any part of herself anymore, and second of all, because she was tired of having to double check herself every time she felt herself getting carried away with emotion.

Still, they were just words.

But hearing them in Kara’s modestly beautiful soprano – coupled with her ever growing feelings for this angel who came into Cat’s life so suddenly, and was quickly becoming her lifeline in spite of herself – it damn near felt like walking into a solid brick wall with absolutely nothing in the way of protection that could shielf her from the force of the collision.

_“…if we had the chance to do it all again, tell me would we…_ could _we?”_

Cat tried. She really did, but even the hand she raised over her mouth wasn’t enough to muffle the sound of the sob that insisted to break through. And break through it did.

Kara turned, immediately alarmed at the sound, dropping a plate back to the sink with a loud thud.

“I’ve never heard you sing before,” Cat whispered, in one last desperate attempt at denial before another cry wrecked her body, this one even louder.

There was no stopping it now.

“Cat!” Kara rushed to her, confusion written all over her face until she stopped short, finally understanding. “Oh, shit…Cat, I’m so sorry…I didn’t think.”

Cat could tell by the frown on her pretty little face that she was already blaming herself.

“It’s alright, this…it’s been _months_ , this isn’t normal.”

“No, Cat.” Kara said fiercely, and somewhere beneath the fog that’s settled on her mind, Cat registered two arms strongly but still gently, always gently, taking ahold of her shoulders. “That’s not true, tell me you know that isn’t true.” Cat felt her chin being lifted and suddenly she was staring into a very concerned shade of ocean blue. “It’s been what…three? Four months?”

“Three and a half,” she managed to get out in a croaked voice, without even having to think about it for a second.

“That’s nothing. Trust me. I know you say you’re fine, but…Cat, love…you have to allow yourself the time to grieve.”

Cat blinked up at Kara in surprise, suddenly broken out of her haze.

“You heard me. Just because something ended that you never thought you’d ever have to let go of, doesn’t mean you can’t be sad about it, that you can’t grieve. That’s exactly what you should do, what I think you should’ve done a long time ago…and I know this isn’t easy. But Cat,” Kara said, taking Cat’s face between her palms to keep her there. “It’s also never too late...It’s never too late, but you gotta start somewhere.”

“Like where?” Cat asked after a moment of silence, swallowing hard.

“Allow yourself to feel it. In any way that you think is appropriate. Just…feel it, stop pretending. Everything you’ve been trying to push away, like it’s nothing. All the hurt, the pain of that terrible loss.” Kara let go of Cat’s face, only to slide her hands down to meet Cat’s instead. “It’s all buckled up inside you, I can feel it.”

Cat could feel it too, now more than ever.

“Let it go, Cat.” _Easy to say_. “And then…remember. I know you miss her, no matter how much you think you hate her now. You did love her. You do, still. That doesn’t just…disappear.”

Kara must have anticipated her protests, because she broke out the puppy eyes, the ones she knew Cat couldn’t resist. So Cat kept her mouth shut.

“I like to think I know you enough now, to tell these things, and from what I’ve seen, there is so much room inside your heart that I don’t think anyone ever has to leave, once they’ve been granted entrance. And that’s alright too, you know. It is. Just stop pretending otherwise, _please_.”

And now that _tone_ , too. Cat was doomed.

“And the rest will come.”

Standing in her own kitchen, hair mussed and freshly applied makeup flowing down her face as she let everything she’s just heard sink in, Cat felt so helpless and vulnerable and so, so small.

She must’ve looked it too, because Kara gave her a look full of tenderness and love, so sweet that it made Cat ache in a whole different way.

“Go,” Kara said. “I’ll be right here if you need me,” then quickly added, “with pancakes!”

And that, more than anything, made Cat smile in spite of her tears. In all this chaos and confusion, she never once stopped to wonder how on Earth she got so lucky, but she made a mental note to ponder on that later.

“Thank you,” she whispered before turning on her heel. Kara was right, she was right about everything and Cat already had an idea.

She swiftly walked to her closet, pulled the hangers full of her clothes to the side and took a deep breath, already steeling herself for what she was about to do.

The small box was at the very back, concealed by piles and piles of jumpers, old T-shirts and tracksuits that Cat never wore. She pulled it out with trembling fingers, opened the top and began her trip down memory Lane.

It was all there.

That picture of them from first grade that Cat’s favourite teacher took, in the middle of their class performance, that already had the two of them standing side by side, both Cat and Lois beaming with pride about whatever show they had just helped put on.

Cat remembered this one, not because the memory itself was so clear in her mind, but because her mother used to make fun of her for finding the one girl in class who was even smaller than Cat was. She was also louder, and of course, Lois has outgrown her soon enough but their friendship stayed constant still, come hell or highwater.

Until now.

The tears were already flowing freely down her face, and Cat made no attempt to stem the tide this time. Come what may, she thought as she flipped through the memories, year after year, milestone after milestone that she and Lois have shared throughout the course of their friendship.

Their life, really.

It was unbelievable to Cat, how someone could throw all of that away. For any reason. At any cost. No matter how hard she’s tried, she just…couldn’t understand.

But it still _hurt_.

In that moment, it hurt more than anything.

“ _Goddamn you_ , Lois Lane.”


	8. i forgive you (you know not what you have done)

_“I forgive you, now it’s time for me to move on. I forgive you, you did not see right from wrong. And I love you always in my heart you’ll live on.”_

* * *

Cat stumbled a little in the dark, searching for the light switch, almost tripping over the heels she just discarded a moment ago, before she finally found it. She sighed in relief when the lamp’s light illuminated her apartment. It was the kind of day when she was exhausted enough to accidentally hurt herself on her way to the bedroom, so Cat thought better safe than sorry.

She went about her nightly routine, her eyes already fighting sleep as she hastily brushed her teeth and changed out of her work clothes, then slipped under the covers where she would, hopefully, fall into a dreamless sleep for as long as she had to, to keep the exhaustion at bay.

Kara was working the night shift again, and with Cat’s increasing office hours – one of the consequences of slowly crawling her way up the corporate ladder – they barely saw each other these days, despite the fact that they were basically living together at this point.

Cat had once last fleeting thought of a candlelit dinner in her near future, before she drifted off completely.

It was barely five o’clock in the morning, when Cat suddenly woke up to a text from Kara, telling her that she got home in one piece and not to worry, which Cat had made her promise to do the night before.

Kara’s place was on the other end of town, near the gallery where she worked, and the only reason she still used it was because of late nights like these, when it was simply more convenient than staying at Cat’s.

The text was short and to the point, but it still made Cat smile, despite cursing herself for not remembering to put her phone on silent and losing valuable hours of sleep on her day off.

Then, to her surprise, Cat discovered another text – this one from her mother.

_“Congratulations on getting older, Catherine. I trust you’re doing well. KJG”_

Cat blinked at the screen for a few seconds, not quite awake yet, and wondering if maybe her head was somehow messing with her on this early hour.

Her birthday had been the previous week, and she was fairly certain that even her own mother knew that, but even so. It was more than she’s gotten in the previous years and that gave her pause; that familiar knot of ‘What could she want?’ was already forming in her stomach, but Cat shook her head and discarded her phone instead, choosing not to cross this particular bridge just yet.

It was her day off after all.

So instead, she imagined the solid weight of Kara’s arms around her middle, closed her eyes and was asleep again in a matter of minutes, with thoughts of old wounds and unresolved relationships still swirling close to the surface.

* * *

When Cat woke up again, it was already well into the afternoon, but she felt so rested that she couldn’t find it in herself to feel bad about that. Things were picking up at the office lately, and theoretically speaking, that was a _good_ thing, but it also left her tired and sleep deprived, and _that_ was not.

She stretched lazily and threw on a T shirt of Kara’s that she found lying around; it was way too big for her and hung loose on her small frame, but that was how Cat liked it. She opened her bedroom door to go in search of something to eat, but the sight of her sleeping girlfriend on her living room couch was enough to make her stop. Kara looked just as tired as Cat had felt the previous night, as she slept with one arm tucked under her face, with a curtain of blonde hair falling down the couch behind her, and Cat would’ve worried about the uncomfortable looking angle, but the sight was so endearing that she couldn’t help the silly smile on her face if she tried. At least no one was around to see it.

She debated going to Kara and waking her up with a kiss, but her stomach gave its grumbling protest and she sighed, resigning herself to make a quick dinner for the two of them instead. Kara definitely looked like she could use it.

As she began washing and preparing the vegetables for their salad, Cat’s thoughts began to drift back to this morning, and more specifically, to that text from her mother. Her hands moved almost automatically as her mind wondered about why this particular thing was bothering her.

Cooking for Cat has always been something that she could scarcely find the time for, especially these days, but when she finally did, it relaxed her in a way that she wouldn’t expect. It always caught her by surprise, how well she could navigate between her own thoughts when faced with a task that required such a singular focus and attention.

Simply put, it allowed for a little clarity, inside a mind that was usually packed to the brim with boxes full of data; sometimes already opened, sometimes still waiting to be. And one of the biggest of all those boxes was – the one entitled ‘Mother’ – was particularly intent on getting Cat’s attention today.

It’s been months since the two of them have had a real conversation, even on the phone, way before the whole thing with Lois, and consequently, Cat moving to National City. Katherine probably thought her daughter was still living in Metropolis, working her ass off for ‘that crook’ Perry White. She’s never really shown much interest in whatever Cat was interested in, so she had thought it redundant to tell her mother about the sudden change of scenery – not that her mother couldn’t have figured it out herself, had she cared enough to actually check up on Cat, just once.

But none of that was new. So that wasn’t _it_. The something that was nagging on just the periphery of Cat’s mind, that feeling that she couldn’t quite put her finger on. The one that, if she didn’t know any better, she’d probably identify as _guilt_.

And that thought, more than anything else, was enough to make Cat laugh, just once, but just loud enough to wake a sleeping person from their slumber.

“Something funny?” a voice asked just then, and Cat jumped as she felt Kara whisper directly in her ear.

“Sorry,” Kara said with an apologetic kiss behind her ear, but Cat was already smiling as she leaned back into the arms that came to hold her waist.

“Did you sleep well?”

“It would’ve been better with you there, but I was afraid I’d wake you,” Kara said with a simple shrug. “I knew how tired you were.”

“That’s very thoughtful of you, my darling,” Cat did turn around to give her a kiss then, before shutting off the stove and lifting the pan in the air between them as she did so. “Dinner is ready.”

They sat down at the table, eating their meal in comfortable silence with their joined hands between them on the table, just enjoying the quiet and each other. It wasn’t quite the fancy date Cat had been hoping for, but for now, it was enough.

It was more than enough.

It’s been six months since Los, and Cat was learning, slowly, to appreciate the small moments like this, between the big ones that people usually end up remembering in the end, good or bad.

And she cherished the small moments with Kara, every single one.

“So I had a dream last night,” she started tentatively, after they’ve cleared the table. “Well…more like this morning.”

“Oh,” Kara hummed curiously. “About…?”

“No, not _her_. It was actually about my mother.”

“Your mother?” That seemed to get Kara’s attention.

Cat wasn’t surprised; she never talked about her mother when she could help it. Some things have slipped out over the months, but it wasn’t a lot, and what it probably wasn’t nice.

But now it was all coming up in her head, and Cat knew that talking about it was usually the right choice, even if it felt hard at first. Especially then.

“You know we don’t have the simplest history, but…lately, I’ve started thinking that maybe I’m doing the wrong thing by handling it the way I do. Maybe I should try more with her, maybe…”

She rambled on about how much it was bothering her that she’s started thinking about her mother lately, how less and less sure she was that choosing the easy way was the right one.

“Cat, forgive me for asking, but…what brought this on? Other than the text, I mean.”

“I…I’m not sure? I never felt guilty about this before, but now…with Lois. I guess…it puts things in a different perspective when you experience what it feels like to be shut out completely by someone you love. I never thought about it that way before.”

“But you shut her out for good reason,” Kara reminded her.

“Maybe,” Cat said with a dismissive hand flick that belied her belief in the statement completely. “But then again, Lois probably thought she had good reason for what she did as well. Apparently, it’s not as black and white as I thought,” she added dryly.

Cat never was one to enjoy waiting for the punchline to come when she could just walk right up to meet it instead. Not to mention her whole life felt like a punchline these days, but the joke itself wasn’t funny.

“Can I ask you something?” Kara brought her out of her thoughts, and Cat immediately answered her with a nod. “Of course.”

“You’ve told me once that forgiving Lois was easy. You said that forgiveness is easy, because it’s not something you give someone else, that it’s, um…”

“A selfish, selfish thing,” Cat finished. “Yes I remember that. It seems I was wrong.”

“Were you?”

“I just don’t know anymore,” Cat said quietly, already feeling herself getting frustrated that even after all this time, there were so many things she just couldn’t figure out. “I was so sure that I’ve forgiven her, that I’ve put her betrayal behind me. And then it just keeps coming back to haunt me in one form or another.”

Kara reached her other hand out then, making Cat smile as she held her small fingers between her own.

“Even if you didn’t,” Kara said, waiting for Cat to look up at her before she continued. “I can tell it’s important to you, and that’s already more generous than most people tend to be. I don’t know how you do it, Cat…I’m not sure I ever could.”

Cat took a deep breath. She wasn’t sure anymore either. But she knew she had to try.

“Well, I was right about one thing,” she said as she ran her thumb over the back of Kara’s hand as a distraction. “Even if it’s not completely selfish, as an act, forgiveness is still something that you do for yourself, and not anybody else. I won’t ever let Lois back into my life after what she did to me, how she humiliated me…and I won’t ever forget it either.”

Cat looked Kara in the eye then, deep hazel still flickering with the memory of that old rage, even if all she did was let it die in the end. No, she would certainly not forget _that_.

“But I can’t walk around with all this anger inside me, on top of everything else that I deal with on a daily basis, because if I did…I think I might just kill somebody. At some point, you just have to let go, darling. I think it’s time for me to do that now.”

“I don’t know how you do it, really. How you are this calm, when I can clearly see how much it still haunts you, to this day. How you are not burning everything that reminds you of her even the slightest, how you can even say her _name_ …”

“Oh, Kara,” Cat sighed, taking a deep breath. “If I did that…If I wanted to get rid of everything that has a connection to Lois in my life…I might as well chop off a limb, darling.” She knew it may seem excessive, but Cat also knew it was true. “And I am quite fond of those, no matter what you might catch me say about my calves on a bad day.”

Kara smirked at that, but Cat wasn’t about to let her point get lost in that adoring gaze. Not today. So she soldiered on.

“Lois is a part of me. The way I look at it, every person you meet, in some way becomes a part of the mosaic that makes up the fabric of your life. If I ever threw any part of that away…it would be like deleting a part of my own DNA. Throwing away a part of myself. And for what?” Cat didn’t know which of them she was trying more to convince, but at that moment, she believed herself completely. “That would be an awful lot to sacrifice for someone who doesn’t even have room for me in her life anymore.”

Apparently, Kara agreed with her, at least to some extent, because she stayed silent.

“I’m all about writing stories, Kara, you know that. But the most important part of that is always, _always_ remaining truthful to your character’s narrative. You can’t just throw away the bits that are ugly or not to your satisfaction like you’re cooking dinner. Life is not a meal, Kara.”

“Isn’t it?”

Cheeky little _brat_ , Cat thought as she ignored her.

“You know what the worst part is about all of this? I could name a few, but…after it happened, right after Lois said goodbye I was…well, for a while I was not myself.” Cat winced at the still painful memory. “I doubted everything. I doubted if I could ever trust anyone again. It still happens from time to time, but that day I…I have never felt that uncertain before. And despite everything that I’ve just told you, she did make me wish I could rewrite my own history. Made me wish I’d never met her. I had never had the thought ‘what if’ cross my mind as many times as it did that night. And I know some people do that, but Kara…it’s no use.”

“I’m so proud of you,” Kara said with clear admiration in her voice. “I’m not sure I could do that…if I were you…but I am proud.”

Cat shrugged, squeezing her hand and Kara squeezed right back.

“I know you would.” She was sure of it, even if Kara wasn’t. “Eventually.”

Kara hummed noncommittally, and Cat recognized it as her way of agreeing to disagree. That’s alright, she thought, she could let the matter drop. For now.

“So, what are you gonna do then?” Kara asked after a moment of contemplative silence. That was the million dollar question.

“Probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” Cat answered with a half shrug. _“Forgive.”_

* * *

Even with her resolve set, it took Cat another week after that conversation to work up her courage to a level that was acceptable for someone who was going into battle.

She just got back from work after a relatively good day and she thought what the hell. She kept the shoes on too, just in case she needed to feel tall.

It was now or never.

You can do this, she told herself as her fingers hovered over the call button. She took a deep breath, in preparation of whatever was to come and pressed down.

“Mother, it’s me,” she said after the familiar click sounded, “Cat.”

* * *

_I’m learning to live without you now,_

_But I miss you sometimes_

_The more I know, the less I understand_

_All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again_

_Been trying to get down to the heart of the matter_

_But my will gets weak_

_And my thoughts seem to scatter_

_But I think it’s about forgiveness,_

_F o r g i v e n e s s_

_Even if, even if_

_You don’t love me anymore._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't choose just one song for this, so here, [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAMlY1enqFo) is where the lyrics at the end is from.


	9. happier

_“Saw you walk inside a bar, she said something to make you laugh. I saw that both your smiles were twice as wide as ours, yeah you look happier, you do.”_

* * *

The days were longer, the air felt lighter and sunshine was beginning to fill the empty spaces left by the last remnants of melted ice in the ground, as new life began to grow in their stead.

It was spring again.

Lois didn’t know why the notion filled her with a subtle, but constant thrum of melancholy, whenever she thought about it; she’s loved spring ever since she was a little girl.

She and Lucy used to drag their parents every May to this little field nearby the Lane residence that was adorned with spectacular wildflowers, each colour more beautiful than the next, and the girls would chase each other between the flowers and through the grass, until they were so exhausted they couldn’t stand anymore.

Then, they would all sit down and have a picnic together under the big willow tree that always reminded Lois of a lost child, despite its considerable size and build. It’s not that it wasn’t impressive by itself, because it was. Strong and constant as time itself. Beautiful.

But at the same time, it always seemed so lonely to her, and _that_ , more than anything, Lois could understand.

Growing up, she’d never been one of those people who surrounded themselves with friends on each corner, like her sister did, from a very young age. Lucy always brought a new friend back to their house each weekend, organizing sleepovers and constantly getting invited to birthday parties, everyone loved her so much and she loved being loved. It suited her.

It’s not that Lois was jealous or anything, but it had stuck.

Sure, she was popular, she made sure of it everywhere she went, but even she knew there was a difference between the two. Lucy was adored for her delightful personality and kindness, while no one really knew anything _real_ about Lois, just than that she was pretty and smart. She suspected that ignited some jealousy as well, which didn’t help her case at all.

The truth was that Lois never really made any close friendships in her youth, like all the other girls around her, and after a while she turned that longing feeling for something she didn’t have into a headstrong notion that she, in fact, did not need it or want it either.

It was one those good lies that worked wonders for her already growing self-esteem. Let them have their fun, she thought, I’m better off on my own anyway. And she was, for a while.

Well, that is…until Cat.

It wasn’t the kind of friendship that happened instantly. Sure, they’ve been circling each other for a while – in that mostly innocent, but a tad bit already calculating way that children have, from the moment they realize that the game has shifted and all the players are equals now. Lois loved her childhood and her close-knit family, and she was infinitely grateful for her loving upbringing, but suddenly being forced to find your footing in a classroom after that was a whole other ball game.

That said, there wasn’t much calculating in the way she seamlessly gravitated towards the girl who seemed to fit in everywhere she went, but never stayed quite long enough to stir trouble. Lois had always been fascinated by how Cat managed to wove her way into every corner of every group without making a commitment to either of them, how she earned acceptance without taking anyone up on their invitation.

It took her months to realize that Cat was playing the same game she was, only going at it from a different angle. After that, it didn’t take long to understand that under those kind hazel eyes that never seemed to linger too long, what she was really hiding was loneliness. Just like Lois, albeit for different reasons.

So by the end of their first school year, Lois had found her equal. Her weeping willow. As a child, she never understood why anyone would name something with the constant indication that it was sad, but now it all made sense. In a cosmically ironic, sardonic way that only she herself understood anyway.

Lois wondered, not for the first time, what Cat must think of her now, before shaking her head softly, if only to herself. Better not.

She usually tried to avoid getting on this particular train of thought about the other woman, because there was just no point. _Aleia iacta est_ , as the saying goes. She’d made her decision, and no matter how much more painful it turned out to be than Lois originally anticipated, she knew she had her reasons for it, even if no one else was the wiser.

She also knew that if she really wanted to make her dreams come true then…there wasn’t enough room for regret in a _day_.

Still, there was just enough that it came creeping in through the cracks of her carefully perfected armour from time to time. Not too often, and never all at once so that it would be enough to make her doubt herself completely. That wasn’t Lois’ style anyway.

But even so.

She had always been fond of classical logic, and considering all possibilities certainly fell under that umbrella, so she figured it couldn’t hurt. In the end, it didn’t help much either though.

Because even if…even if she hadn’t been entirely right, even if she’d made a mistake letting Cat go the way she did…well. Lois was a lot of things, but stupid she was not. Even if she somehow, some way, one day eventually came to the conclusion that she had fucked up, it wasn’t like she could just walk up to Cat and tell her that now. It was one of a thousand possibilities. Maybe she did, maybe she didn’t.

Who was it that decided on these things anyway? Lois knew her truth, and she was pretty certain she knew Cat’s too.

But she also believed a great deal in the notion that things were ultimately supposed to happen for a reason, and on her worst days, Lois comforted herself in the knowledge that Cat was probably better off without her anyway. It seemed way less selfish than the truth.

And the truth was…well, complicated. They had been set on a collision course for some time, the two of them, that much she knew for sure. And Lois always preferred to take disaster by surprise, so that it wouldn’t hurt her as much as it otherwise could have. It seemed easier that way. And how well that had worked out for her in the end…still. She stubbornly clung to her own notion that their friendship would not survive the ruthless climate of the corporal world anyway, and took it upon herself to mercifully lay it to rest ahead of its time.

Maybe it was some sort of poetic justice even – some things really are too beautiful to live. Not that she had any illusions that Cat would ever see it that way. She would probably do the thing she did best and call Lois out on her shit right away. _Collision course, my ass_ , she would say.

Or, had she known about the intricacies of her reasoning, Cat would have argued that a new course could have been set, and if she was any less jaded at the time, Lois might have agreed with her, and they could have spared themselves the whole ordeal. But at the end of the day, she always fancied herself the one who knew better. Maybe _that_ was her mistake.

In any case, it didn’t matter. None of it did. Which was exactly why Lois had closed that door and sealed it shut a while ago, deciding not to dwell on possible alternatives for a story that was already written, and by her own hand no less.

That said, when she spotted a familiar head of golden curls, belonging to an unmistakably slender frame wrapped in a perfectly business-like pencil skirt and the black heels to go along with it as Cat exited the small shop across the street, Lois did, quite simply, forget to take her next breath.

Time seemed to freeze.

Maybe it was the shock of the unexpected. After all, how could she have known that an insignificant business trip to National City as yet another favour for Perry White, in the quest for that elusive pay raise that he’s been promising her forever, would lead her to this moment? Right across the street from the woman that Lois was once so afraid of losing that she went ahead and did it herself.

Or was that a boring case of over-romanticizing the plot after the fact, right there in her own journalistic mind? Cat would know, she always did.

Lois was startled by the almost physical sensation as the wheels in her head began turning. Cat looked well. Healthy. And yes, beautiful. The sun reflected off the top of her head in that way that makes blonde people look like angels sometimes, creating a halo of light that seems to linger wherever they go.

Or maybe that was just her imagination.

At that moment, Cat looked up and Lois had a sudden urge to hide behind her coffee cup, even if she knew, logically, that Cat could never spot her from that far away with the glass wall of the café she was currently sitting in between them. It was like a one-way looking glass and Cat was sweet, innocent Alice without a clue as to what was on the other side.

The ball was squarely in Lois’ court and she knew this was an opportunity that wouldn’t ever come around again. But then, what could she even say, after one year of radio silence? It was probably already too late, or maybe too soon still, not to mention they don’t exactly make screenplays for the kind of situation Lois found herself in.

 _Put_ herself in. It was her own decision and she should stand by it. Just like Alice should have probably just stayed in her own bed instead; Lois never did think there was much use in entertaining dreams that ultimately were just that. What a stupid fairytale.

Despite her internal lament to the contrary however, Lois could already feel her legs moving without any conscious consent from her brain. She was already standing when her decision was abruptly made for her as the door behind Cat opened again and another figure joined her on the sidewalk across street.

And if time seemed to freeze before, it was on fast forward now, as someone undoubtedly realized that it must catch up to itself in order for balance to be restored. If one believed in that sort of thing anyway.

Lois watched, transfixed, as the tall blonde with her long blonde hair in a ponytail exited the shop with two ice cream cones in her hands and a generous smile on her face that seemed to be directed at Cat and no one else. Lois felt her heart sink, even as she knew the right for that didn’t belong to her anymore.

Maybe ever.

Cat turned and took one of the cones in one hand, and the other woman’s own with the other as she intertwined their fingers with a smile on her face that spoke volumes about their relationship - whatever the nature of it may be.

Lois had her suspicions.

Her gaze flickered down to the bright, rose-coloured, princess cut engagement ring on her own left hand, briefly entertaining the idea of giving Clarke a call, just to hear his voice and check in with how things were going back home. But then she abruptly changed her mind, wiping a tear from her eye as she shook her head and got up to throw away the plastic cup with somebody else’s name on it.

She has seen enough, and her break was almost over already. It was time to get back to work.


	10. you're my saving grace (my one salvation in this crazy place)

_"I’ve been a witness to a raging fire that’s taken my soul to the wire. Then burned and then pushed right to the wall, now I’ve come to believe: you can’t lose them all.”_

* * *

Some people believe loss to be constant, like the standstill surface of a forever unmoving lake; stretching out as long as the eye can see, never once wavering. The lack of movement gives the false impression of safety, but for someone who’s ever so tired of swimming, waiting for a stray current to carry them out to shore is about as futile as asking a dead man to tango.

All in all, it’s not a bad metaphor.

Others think it’s the raging sea, weaving destruction in its path without as much as a moment’s notice, only calming after the storm is long past. As a writer, Cat could certainly see the appeal in that approach as well, even if the days of likening herself to a shipwreck were way behind her.

Nevertheless, as she sat cross-legged on the bed, wrapped comfortably in Kara’s soft, light blue sheets and nothing else, eyes transfixed on the distinct but still somehow delicately beautiful brush marks left all over the canvases in front of her, loss was the last thing on Cat’s mind.

She was fascinated. Kara’s paintings, much like Kara herself, always had that effect on her.

It wasn’t any one thing that drew her attention either, like a Picasso or a Dali, where the artist’s intention to provoke and outrage is even more palpable than the physical strokes of the brush evidenced by the dried paint that sits on carefully applied layers one over the other. No, Kara was way more nuanced than that, even in her art; subtle like Monet and original like van Gogh, but her craft still very much her own in every sense of the word.

Kara’s unique painting style and enormous talent wasn’t new to Cat by any stretch of the imagination, but for all she’s already seen of her girlfriend’s work, for some reason this particular collection of canvases touched onto something deep inside of Cat that had previously been dormant, and she couldn’t take her eyes off the piece propped up on the bedside table in front of her. Waiting to be framed and hung right above the bed, at Cat’s request.

Drawing the sheet loosely around her shoulders, Cat reached a hand out to smooth her fingers over the already dry surface of the canvas, still mesmerised by the way it felt to be touching something that not so long ago only existed in Kara’s imagination. This one was of a small fishing boat, caught out at sea in the middle of a thunderstorm, helplessly swinging from side to side as the waves roared around it mercilessly, with no end in sight.

The setting in itself wasn’t that original, Cat’s seen hundreds of paintings depicting a similar environment, but there was something about the way Kara used colours, the way she blended them as if they were all from the same tube, only changing and evolving as they spilled onto the canvas; something about the way her brushstrokes spoke of the artist behind them that made everything she did stand out in a way that had nothing to do with Cat’s natural bias when it came to her girlfriend.

Cat couldn’t keep her eyes off the painting. It didn’t escape her notice however, that only a year ago, looking at this painting she would have fancied herself the small boat, relating easily to being pushed over and swallowed by the waves of the all-consuming sea, helplessly observing the direction her life was going instead of being the one who steered herself to where she wanted to be. Whereas now, feasting her eyes on the expert brush marks for the umpteenth time that day, all she felt was the beauty of nature and all it contained. And one person in particular.

It wasn’t the first time that she associated Kara with the water, and it wouldn’t be the last. Mostly because Kara has been working on this series of paintings ever since the first time Cat stepped foot in her apartment, and somewhere along the way between the one of the azure waterfall and that of the fast-flowing icy current, the series became a gift for Cat herself that Kara was determined to finish by their one year anniversary.

And she did. Just about.

Cat looked at the first ray of morning peeking in through the window curtains and she smiled, remembering her recent attempts to keep Kara from making it on time. It was finally dawning and she had been unsuccessful, but as she watched the naked form of her girlfriend appear in the doorway with a matching smile on her face as she gazed right back at Cat, somehow it still felt an awful lot like winning.

“Happy anniversary,” they said at the same time, and Cat laughed as Kara all but threw herself on top of her with a contented huff.

“I said it first.”

“No you didn’t,” Cat whispered back, capturing her lips to keep Kara from contradicting her.

Their argument ended right then and there and Cat revelled in the softness of Kara’s lips caressing her own, like a freshwater stream that flows into another calmly, without making a sound, knowing it’s finally home.

And she was.

The sun was waking up slowly, casting her golden glow all over National City and inside their now shared apartment as the two women slowly continued loving each other in the best way they knew how, yesterday’s clothes still scattered all over the floor, strategically lining the apartment from the front door to the foot of the bed, not unlike a map showing just where they’ve been.

The day of their anniversary fell on a Friday which they had both planned way ahead of time to take off, making it a long weekend of celebration, just for the two of them and the love they shared. They had absolutely nowhere to be, nor would either woman have wanted to be anywhere else but in each other’s arms.

They made love into the morning, finally falling asleep when it usually would have been time to wake up, wrapped up in each other between the sheets with contented smiles on their faces.

Cat woke up to Kara drawing light circles on her skin; one of her favourite things in the entire world. Gentle fingers travelled all over her ribcage, down her stomach and then back up again at her sides, making Cat sigh at the ticklish sensation. She opened her eyes and almost closed them back again when the affectionate gaze she was met with was more than she thought she could handle.

Almost, anyway.

“Kara,” she said, without any intention for a follow up, when those fingers strayed up to her collarbones and over her sternum. She did close her eyes when they inched lower still. “Mmm, Kara.”

“Yes?” Cat felt, more than heard as warm breath filled the air between them. She opened her eyes again, smiling at Kara.

“I’m happy.”

“Me too,” Kara said kissing Cat behind her ear as she worked her way back to her front before stopping entirely, bottom lip between her teeth and a question on her lips. “Can I ask you something?”

Sensing the need for her attention arise, Cat propped herself up on her elbows, even as she couldn’t help reaching her fingers out to trace the outlines of the artfully crafted jawline in front of her.

“Of course you can,” she said quietly but firmly as she finally withdrew her hand and tucked it under herself to avoid further distractions. “What about?”

“Lois Lane.”

“That’s a name I haven’t heard in a while.” Cat replied curiously, eyebrows going up at the mention of her; the only sign that said name had any effect on her at all.

Kara seemed to hesitate before looking up again, uncharacteristically unsure.

“She’s the reason we met, is she not?”

Now it made sense, Cat thought.

But she couldn’t deny it. With her schedule at the time, she wouldn’t have simply wandered into a random bar, on a weeknight no less, had she not been in a state of whatever Lois made her feel with her oh-so-special brand of recent betrayal. And Kara had her own reasons too, for wanting to forget for a night, but Cat was more than glad it turned into something _very_ real instead.

And she was grateful.

“Technically, yes.”

Not to Lois exactly, because that would just be straight up hypocritical of her, but if in some weird way she contributed to Cat’s long-term happiness then…maybe _that_ made them even. Or maybe it didn’t. It honestly didn’t matter anymore.

It was simple cause and effect, but it didn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things, and she needed to make Kara understand that.

“Why did you ask me that?” Cat prodded gently, as if opening a delicate flower.

The expression of insecurity that crossed Kara’s face, however brief it was, tore at Cat’s heartstrings as she reached for the girl and pulled her close without a semblance of pretence. They were chest-to-chest, two hearts practically beating as one.

“Kara,” Cat said with an air of seriousness that wasn’t there only a moment before. “I need you to listen to me, because what I’m about to say is really important.”

She waited for the confirming nod, only speaking again when she was sure that those blue eyes were looking right into hers.

“Lois is my past,” she said, choosing the words carefully, meaning them all the more for it. “She has nothing to do with the way I feel about you, and she never did. I loved her and she hurt me, betrayed me…but what’s done is done and I’ve moved on.”

Cat took a deep breath and before she knew it she was reaching out again, smoothing her palm over Kara’s hairline, then waiting again until Kara made eye contact after closing her eyes in what could only be described as reverence.

“You know I have, because you watched it happen. You were here for me, since the very beginning and unlike her, you haven’t left my side once when I really needed you.”

Cat felt her eyes water, but she instinctively knew how important it was that she make Kara understand.

“ _You_ are here, and _she_ isn’t,” she said, stressing the words, even as her voice wavered slightly from all the emotion carried within those simple syllables. “ _You_ make me happy, Kara. You’re my sun. The only light I need to carry me through the darkness. I think about you every day, even when we’re not together. And trust me when I say, she hasn’t even crossed my mind in a very, very long time,” Cat finished, leaning in to finally close the distance between them as she whispered against silky soft lips, “It’s only you I need, no one else.”

Cat kissed Kara with everything she felt, hoping that the simple act could convey what was in her heart, praying that it would be enough. Judging by the way Kara clung to her in return, strong arms holding her so gently, as if she was her key to salvation, Kara could feel it too.

They continued kissing until they both ran out of air, lips sliding over each other and tongues caressing in the spaces between them. By the time they pulled back, cheeks red and breathing heavy, there was nothing between them but their smiles.

Content and reassured, and ego sufficiently stroked no doubt, Kara lay back down and drew Cat on top of her, head pillowed on her chest as Cat pulled the sheets back up over them both, determined to soak up every last second of this moment and the connection they shared.

“What do you think is the secret to human relationships?” Cat asked after a while, ignoring the pull of sleep lurking just around the corner.

“That’s a loaded question.”

Cat hummed in agreement, but didn’t let her off the hook that easily.

“I think…well, I mean obviously it’s not that simple,” Kara said as she furrowed her brow in concentration, and Cat could tell she was really thinking about her answer, “but if I were to really break it down, then I would say the good relationships, the ones that last, and the people that are really good for you…are ultimately the ones who _stay_.”

“90% of life is about showing up,” Cat nodded, remembering what her father had always said to her when she was little. She didn’t understand it then, but oh she did now.

“Yes,” Kara agreed. “I think If you do that….if you do that and _mean_ it, then there isn’t much more you could do.” She looked at Cat with stars in her eyes, and Cat immediately thought of the little black box in the bottom drawer of her nightstand, hidden under a pile of old clothes. “If you stay.”

“I like that answer,” Cat hummed, reaching out to smooth her fingers over Kara’s face from the corner of her eyes right down to her jaw, gingerly like she was a gift, ending the journey behind her neck where she clasped both hands together to draw Kara in for a soft kiss that made them both smile.

And if Kara was the water then Cat would gladly learn how to enjoy being drowned by her, because no one had ever looked at her that way before, the way Kara did, and as she looked her in the eye Cat could swear those bright blue orbs could see right into the deepest parts of her and knew exactly what she was thinking about.

Her decision was made. It was now or never.

“Will you _stay_ , Kara Danvers?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end everyone, thank you for sticking with me! Xx
> 
> (If you've read the notes at the beginning about the personal nature of this story, and especially the whole Lois history of it all, then you might understand why I needed to end this story on a slightly indefinite note, but let's not kid ourselves, we all know what she said.)
> 
> Here is the [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/racheltuckerrr/playlist/6uQl9lp9hoDuYtQ2F5vnPu) again, give it a listen.


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